I was drawn to this quote from one of my favorite author’s years ago. So much so, that it has been displayed on several refrigerators, computer screens and desktops over the years. Today in church, after singing all five verses of Amazing Grace, I found myself revisiting this quote and just exactly what it has meant to my life.
Four plus years ago, I recognized completely that I was lost and blind, but I also recognized the core part of me that desperately wanted to be found as well as to see. Honestly though, I wasn’t sure just how to make that happen.
I was drawn to the faith and rituals and traditions of my childhood but for whatever reason could not make them reconcile with the circumstances I found myself in or the desires of what felt like a very selfish heart. And so, I began to walk. I had given up on prayers and meditations but still clung to the hope that if I was faithful in merely showing up, or in my case, literally putting one foot in front of the other, in some crazy way God would meet me there.
On these miles and miles of walks over the last several years, in neighborhoods, in hallways, on treadmills, at treatment centers, in parks, in the snow and rain and heat, my first inclination proved true. God has met me on every walk.
Much like Jesus’ time in the wilderness, my early walks actually led me into a dark time. With every step I seemed to grow physically weaker, as I edged my way closer and closer to a full-blown episode of anorexia, but at the same time, my resolve to leave the house of cards I was living in and become the person I was convinced God had created me to be grew stronger and stronger. I’m not exactly sure how that came to be, perhaps my therapist, Erika, could shed some intellectual and psychological light on that particular moment in time, but I like to believe that it was the mystery of grace that Lamott wrote of earlier.
Over time, the walks allowed me to be present, forced me out of bed and into the light. The walks provided an alternative to the eating disorder and allowed me to metaphorically walk away from the disordered thoughts towards a genuineness and gentleness I would have never thought possible.
In the last few weeks, my walk in grace has led me to a church of all places. In truth, the last place I would ever have considered to find peace and belonging. But as the old-timers say, I suppose wonders never cease. Anyway, as I wrote earlier, this morning the congregation sang the sweet, beautiful hymn, Amazing Grace.
I was moved to tears.
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
Grace has certainly been with me through the dangers, toils and snares of the past few years. Grace taking form as friends, parents, my children, my therapist and doctors, even my dog.
Perhaps now grace is leading me home. Home to a spiritual haven, where people love and care for one another, where people say in unison “Thanks Be to God,” where we turn to bless each other with a passing of the peace to those around us – straight and gay, homeless and affluent, black and white, where voices are united in crying out for justice for the marginal folks and people bring casseroles when sickness or death land at your door.
I will forever be thankful that the Spirit’s grace did not leave me where it found me, but has faithfully led me home.
