Lonesome

I've always been slightly annoyed with people who complain of being lonely. It always sounded sort of needy and lame. After all, God is always with us and if we're cool being inside our own skin, we should be content, right?

 I think for most of my adult life I've tried to convince myself that I'm not a touchy, feely person, that I'm fine inside my own head, in some sort of effort to protect myself from the possibility of hurt or rejection.

But, for some reason, I've found myself feeling a bit lonesome the last couple of weeks. I'm sure it has something to do with the holidays, which is another word for hell for anyone who is old enough to have been hurt even a little.  The shorter days don't help either. I've heard the whisper of ED in my ear a few times as well, but I'm not convinced he brought the loneliness with him.

I'm starting to think the feeling might just be coming from the healthy part of me. In fact, maybe it's the honest part of me actually feeling. I am thirty plus pounds heavier than I was 3 years ago and I'm also about 3 X vulnerable, which actually translates into "living life about 3 X more." Of course, I wish that recovery brought only the good parts of life but that just isn't how it works.

So, I'll just sit with the feeling for awhile, knowing that I'll be fine. I'll snuggle in with Grace, choosing not to define myself as someone lame or needy, but a human being who needs something loyal and gentle to hang on to every now and then.