Audience

Probably one of the most important concepts that I try to teach my students is that of audience. Mainly, you don't say "Yo!" as a greeting to the principal, and when you are writing a letter-to-the-editor, expressing a differing opinion, you don't sign the letter "Love, Bobby." It seriously takes the sting out of your letter.

When I was a kid, in the days before Caller ID, and my mom answered the telephone, I could always predict who the caller was by the tone of my mother's reply. (I could also tell when my grandmother called, but of course she is the only person who would call to chat before 7:00 a.m.) She knew her audience. So did I.

I'm sure my kids would say the same for me.

Hangin' with my extended family, my language is filled with "ain'ts," "cold drinks," and "hollers" (not the yelling kind.) In this setting, the oldest of us cousins (49) is still a grandbaby, not a granddaughter.

At church, my sometimes ugly mouth doesn't say nearly as many cuss words, and in a district-wide teachers meeting, I can actually sound like I know what I'm talking about in a fairly professional way.

Honestly, audience is one of the many things that I've struggled with over the years. A lot of the time I think I've been too focused on audience, to the point where I was more of an actor than a participant in my own life. I've tried to make happy endings, where there weren't any. I've tried to force pieces together that weren't even from the same puzzle.

When my ex-husband was the audience, I became passive, without need of tenderness or affirmation. I tried to convince my children that I had everything under control. I told my parents for years that I was happy and healthy, trying to convince myself as I repeated the words again and again.

In recent years, in healthier times, I have worked really hard to be my own audience in the way I choose to live. I've chosen to not only tell the truth, but try to live it as well. Certainly not an easy, or maybe even popular journey, but one that has allowed me to experience (and survive) both the good and the bad life has to offer. It has given me the chance to live honestly and to be present. I am finally able to honor and accept what God has created in me.

I have discovered that as I live authentically that the number of relationships in my life has actually grown and that all of those have morphed into something deeper and more meaningful, which is kind of the opposite as to what I expected.

I made this blog public in a weird way to protect myself. I figured I was going to be honest with myself, with others and that to some degree would keep folks at a distance.

I thought perhaps it would be meaningful to some other random person who spends her free time with Ed, but I was not prepared that it would actually draw people into my life. Since my aunts and friends have started  reading my writing and sharing it, I feel as if I've fallen in love all over again, with the realization that I didn't need to gauge my audience after all. They would love me in spite of, or maybe because of, my many imperfections and needs.

Life without secrets. . . I'm not sure it gets any better.

So while I still don't yell "Yo!" to my boss or sign my letters to the editor with "love," as to living (and writing) I'm going to keep showing up as me, ready and excited for what that might bring.