Summer of Sanity 2011

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Will and I were sitting on the back porch talking about summer the other evening. I was actually reminding him to water my flowers in the early morning, not in the noontime heat, while I am away on vacation next week. Just so happens I'm leaving my dog with him too, and Grace is an early riser. So I told him to walk her when she barked in the am., water my flowers, feed the "zoo" THEN go back to bed. If you know Will, you know he is very good about pretending listen without any rancor and then doing it how he wants to do it. I know this, but for some reason, I always like to go on record with all of my instructions.

Will is in a crossroads of his life right now. He's finished with college, old friendships have shifted and, honestly, I think he's ready for something new. All of this angst and unknown crap has caused his summer to be less than stellar.

Mine on the other hand, has been maybe the best ever. Funny thing is, though, I think I might have said that last year.

When I was sharing this with Will, he asked what had made it so great and I really couldn't give a specific reason and as I considered all that had pleased me this summer I sounded a little too happy and I seriously don't want to be that person.

 I finally said that I guess I was just feeling sane and was able to actually be aware of the sanity. He quickly dubbed it, "The Summer of Sanity 2011." He said it sounded like a band tour and he thought I could sell t-shirts. So instead of listing all the cities where the tour has visited, I'm listing a few of the amazing spots this Summer of Sanity has taken me.

• the dentist -- first time in five years. . . I seriously hate the dentist. He/she gets all up in your face, and I've always been convinced they can tell everything I've ever eaten. And, I don't floss, which somehow brings me shame especially at the dentist.
• Judith - a psychotherapist who specializes in a treatment called EMDR, for trauma survivors.  After 4 visits, voila! no more nightmares with Jeff playing the starring role.
• Cousin Josh's wedding -- where I wore what I wanted and ate wedding cake.
• Family Reunion - where I hung out with the family, ate a total of 3 chicken legs and 2 revoltingly huge butter creme cupcakes. Cousin Aletia says it's ok because it's reunion food.
• Churchill Downs - made a few bucks off of Calvin Borel's good fortune and ate an ice cream cone Will bought for me.
• a new doctor -- no cutting or restricting or laxatives, even after she did a blind weigh on me
• hung out for an afternoon helping a hoarder go through her things. It was the first time I felt my own mental illness may have been helpful.
• ate at a Wednesday night church dinner
• joined a Wednesday night group at church. . . no shit, I mean, no kidding!
• Went to a Gatewood Galbraith fundraiser to hear the Goosecreek Symphony. Pot was everywhere and I felt no outrage or disgust.
• Saw a concert at Rudyard Kipling. It reminded me that so many wonderful little things are in the middle of messy, sad things, especially neighborhoods.
• Went to a free concert on the Great Lawn and watched the fireworks. 25,000 people and I was able to hold my own space.
• Went to McCreary County with a church group to help build a house.  At one of the suppers at the church that week I ate 2 pieces of angel food cake. I also heard a couple of "How do you stay so thin?" comments, which was a real boost to my body image, which will probably always be distorted.
• Spent the day with Cathy and her grandkids on the Waterfront, with enough energy to pedal a bike and enough sanity to eat an ice cream with Jax.
• Spent hours on my deck, reading and writing.
• Hiked in Bernheim Forest.
• Daily walks with Grace.
• Trips to my parents
• movies
• lunches with friends

The cool thing is that I was actually there. I mean, I tasted that Butter Creme cupcake. I smelled the manure in the paddock at the track. I felt the despair and loneliness in my new friend's home filled to the brim with dirt and dust and filth and stuff. My stomach hurt at the dentist. I was acutely aware of how bad a couple of the movies were that I had paid good money to watch. The feelings leftover from my marriage were real and painful as I sat in Judith's office. I saw the splendor in the flowers at Bernheim.  I experienced it all, and I survived the scary parts and thrilled in the mundane.

Sometimes I worry that my sanity will peak, that the joy and peace deep within me will hit a plateau and start to wane. . . so I have to let myself feel that worry but also remind myself of the work I have done to put safety nets in place. . and move on to the next moment.

The Summer of Sanity 2011 -- I think a t-shirt would be perfect because it seriously rocks!