Ash Wednesday is in two days, and I'm trying to decide how I'm going to "celebrate." Last year, I skipped the whole season. I was in such a good place that I didn't want to jinx myself by embracing the seriousness of the season. The year before, I gave up all aspects of my eating disorder for the entire 40 days. The year before that, I went deeper into the disorder, convincing myself that my self-destruction was somehow honoring God. (That's the kind of craziness my mind comes up with when it's very low on calories!) So, this year, I'm trying something new again.
First, I've found a church, where I can receive the imposition of ashes and honor with others, NOT alone in my room, the somberness of the season. Second, at my friend Cathy's suggestion, I'm not going to deny myself anything, that simply feeds the disorder. (Get it, feeds the eating disorder, sometimes I crack myself up.) Anyway, I'm going to take on something rather than giving up something.
This year, in honor of all of the great people who have touched me with their own lives, I will give thanks. A letter of gratitude to a saint for each of the 40 days of lent. Maybe I'll mail them. Maybe I won't. I haven't thought through that part yet. BUT, during this time of reflection, I will think of the people in my life who showed up willing to share themselves with me, and I will give thanks.
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