Twenty-eight years ago yesterday, I promised Jeff that I would honor and support him until the day that I died. I meant it then, and not being able to follow through on that vow has been one of the lowest points of my life. I sometimes feel that I let the people that witnessed our marriage down, my parents, my children, God, Jeff, even myself.
BUT, I'm beginning to go just a little bit easier on myself this year. Rather than leaving my marriage, I actually walked into a healthy, joyful space. Instead of my kids having a mom who could not manage to be emotionally present but was still married to their dad, I gave my kids a mom who lives separately from their dad but is fully available in every way. Instead of living with the fear of regret, I live in the moment, knowing that what I've chosen will serve my family best.
Yesterday, I almost gave into the anniversary funk, but I realized I really didn't feel so bad. Jeff and I created three beautiful children and we certainly had our moments in the sun. As time passes, I pray that I will be able to embrace those sweet memories.
But, as for yesterday, I went with my 21 year old twins to watch Toy Story 3, complete with 3D glasses, popcorn and smuggled in cokes. I've learned that even one day is too many to waste. Next June 19, I will remember what Carly, Will and I did yesterday and how June 19, 1982 actually made that possible.
