Ash Wednesday

This is the first Ash Wednesday that I haven't attended church services in years. I always found comfort for some reason in the solemnness of the service, the act of repentance, confessing, sacrificing, denying oneself.

The forty days of lent almost seemed like a time when my mental illness was appropriate. Giving up food, cutting, letting the sadness engulf me seemed okay in this time of mourning, knowing that my sins had caused this need for the ultimate sacrifice. Now I know that my behaviors were more self-indulgent than sacrificial even though the feelings weren't exactly joyful.

Last year, new into my recovery, I gave up my eating disordered behaviors as my sacrifice for Lent. . . the opposite of what I had done in the past. That decision allowed me to establish healthy habits, without having to completely say goodbye to an illness that had cared for me so long.

This year is different yet again. I skipped the solemn service. I ate supper and a peanut butter cookie. I listened to music and played with my dog. I even decided that giving up the mental illness wouldn't be much of a sacrifice this year, since I indulge in it so seldom.

So, I think I'll just go with the Easter theme this year and put the Lenten season on the shelf. My illness has caused me to sacrifice too much for too long. God is good. For the next forty days, I'm going to rejoice in that fact.